Culinary Disasters

Have you ever read a book that made you laugh because the main character reminds you of yourself?  A couple weeks ago I mentioned that I was reading $64 Tomato that was recommend by Heather at http://www.bodaciousgirlblog.com/

The premise of the book is one man’s obsession to raise his own vegetables and a hilarious recount of his trials from fighting Japanese beetles, sod worms, groundhogs, and all other garden pests.  At the end of the book he adds up all the amount of money he has spent on his garden and determines that the Brandywine tomato he just picked cost him 64 dollars. (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: beef, pork, All // 26 Comments »

Another Bread Baker’s Apprentice challenge recipe is done for the BBA challenge posed by Nicole at Pinch My Salt.  Amazing I am still going strong although I have established it is impossible to bake bread when you get home at 5 p.m. and like to be in bed at 10 p.m.  Even though the recipe says four hours it does not factor in the 30 minutes spent trying to figure out where you put cinnamon sticks at because you swear you bought them.  Then the 15 minutes it takes to get to the grocery store, deal with people, buy cinnamon sticks, come home, grind cinnamon sticks, grab sugar, and tada find your hidden collection of cinnamon sticks next to the sugar.  *sigh*  Maybe one of these days I will take the time and organize my massive collection of kitchen crap.

The only time it seems I ever treat myself to a cinnamon roll is when I am sprinting through an airport to catch the next flight.  I find the massive carb and sugar content is just enough to knock my ass out so I can sleep soundly on flights and not have to listen to the lady next to me freak out over every single bump, ramble nonsensically about her grand kids, or her ailments (hint people headphones in the ears mean leave me the freak alone unless you are a Swedish swimsuit model than I will happily listen to your problems). (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 39 Comments »

I am starting to learn one awesome thing about having a blog is people want to send you cool stuff.  I am normally not one for taking products just because I have to write about the product and if I think it sucks well I do not want to write that.  The idea of being a jerk because I may dislike a product when someone else could read about the product not buy it because of me and all along they would have loved it scares me to much.  However, I will make exception is a close friend’s awesome mom sends me a ton of wild raspberries (thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you).

After my friend dropped off the raspberries we were relaxing on the couch just catching up and my mind is spinning with about a thousand possibilities of what to do with them.  I could make jam that would go with my bread baking adventure and then I realized holy $%(#& the anti-baker is now thinking of bread accompaniments.  Freak freak freak freak!!!!  Hmmm….she suggested pork and then it was the cartoon light bulb going off raspberry and port wine.

Searching the internet for a good recipe did not net that much but I knew this had to be doable.  Thankfully I found one recipe on Food and Wine but it still needed some minor tweaking because it was kind of bland.  Earlier in the day I had been working the garden and weeding the overgrown herbs and got to thinking I need to start using my rosemary a little bit more.  Another light bulb goes off because rosemary loves pork.  Woo hooo!!!  A plan is slowly coming together.

For this recipe you will need:

• 2 shallots
• 1/2 cup port wine
• 1/2 cup raspberries
• 1 teaspoon dijon mustard
• 1 teaspoon fresh rosemary
• 1 bay leaf
• 1 tablespoon white wine vinegar
• Kosher salt and black pepper
• 2tablespoons unsalted butter (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: Quick, pork, All // 31 Comments »

To answer the looming question yes I am still alive.  I wish I could think of a great excuse on why I have not been updating.  Heck I was brainstorming why last night because I figure after a couple weeks I should have some awesome story to tell such as winning big in Las Vegas, diving with the dolphins, cliff diving, fighting pirates, or anything.  Fact of the matter is I have simply been slacking.  Of course this does not mean I have not been cooking just means I have not been writing about my cooking.

The only legitimate excuse I can think of right now is my garden is producing large quantity of spinach and lettuce.  Which is awesome for eating healthy but the idea of writing up a salad dressing requires to much thought and planning.  Instead it is easier to plop on my couch and watch TV or open a book (p.s. nothing but love to Heather at http://bodaciousgirlblog.com for suggesting “The $64 Tomato“.  I can not put this book down). (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 29 Comments »

Sorry I have been lackluster in the grilling department.  Between the bread baker’s apprentice challenge and everything else it is hard to get creative.  I do find myself grilling out a couple times a week but nothing that is ever blog worthy.  Do I need to detail how I made hamburgers or repost a dish that I have already written about? Although now that I am starting to get the hang of the camera I will start reworking some of my favorite old posts.

The other week I picked up some boneless chicken thighs.  My intention was for a stir fry dish but then I got thinking about stuffing them with some leftover proscuitto and cheese and grilling them.  Basically chicken saltimbocca for the grill.

This also reminds me yes I did the challah for Bread Baker’s Apprentice last Saturday and it was a great hit.  Going to combine it with my ciabatta post on Sunday.

For this recipe you need:

•  Boneless chicken thighs that are pounded out to about 1/4 inch thickness.  I have found that wrapping them in plastic and beating them with a skillet is an awesome stress reliever and a quick way to flatten them.
• 1 piece of proscuitto per chicken thigh
• 1 piece of emmental cheese per chicken thigh
• 1 sage leave diced per chicken thigh
• Pinch of crushed red pepper
• Kosher salt and black pepper (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: chicken, All // 26 Comments »

This post is going to be very short because of a softball injury I am having a hard time typing anything involving the right side of the keyboard.  However, I feel that with all this bread posting lately I have strayed off course.  I do not want this blog to turn into a self depreciating tale of woe over bread making.  I do have a couple grill posts that I have been meaning to type up but when it comes down to writing or goofing around in the garden or turning compost the inner boy in me kicks in and heads directly for dirt.

I promise that garden porn weekends will start here soon especially since I am staring at a container tomato plant that has a few green tomatoes on it and peas that are starting to flower.  Could not come at a better time because I was really starting to get envious of everyone else enjoying wonderful farm fresh produce and the best we can get this time of year is radishes and lettuce.

I also would like to make a point to mention this is the first ever barley post out of me.  I have been experimenting with it over the last couple of weeks and think I may love pearl barley about as much as I love quinoa.  If anyone has any suggestions for other uses please feel free to share.

For this recipe you will need:

• 1 cup uncooked pearl barley
• 2 cups of stock (I used chicken stock)
• 1 tablespoon chili paste
• 1/4 cup cilantro
• 1 tablespoon soy sauce
• 1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil
• 1 roasted red pepper diced
• 1 shallot diced
• 2 cloves of garlic diced
• 8 ounces of shelled edamame
• Juice of 1 lime
• Kosher salt and black pepper (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: Quick, Healthy, All // 27 Comments »

Well another week and another bread down.  Thankfully this bread was simple enough that I could easily do on a Sunday with a pounding headache.  Do not have any sympathy for me because it was a self-inflicted headache.  I do not what possessed me to think that I could possibly drink as much as I could when I was in my early 20s.  However, in my defense it was the perfect day though for grilling and the drinks just started piling up the longer friends stayed over.

If you are following my facebook you also have seen the next project which is building my own grill/smoker.  Step one has been accomplished which is I managed to acquire a couple 55 gallon drums that did not have extremely nasty stuff stored in them.  I am currently at the stage where I am trying to design it and get the drums ready for cutting and grinding.

For my fellow readers if you had to design your perfect grill what would it entail?  So far I have came up with two layers of shelving, slide out shelves, extended port on the side for hooking up duct work to convert easily into a cold smoker, and a couple other features.  I want to see if there is anything I am really missing that I need.  The whole smoker part I am not to concerned about since I already possess a couple smokers that work amazing but more want a big $%&* grill. (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA) // 22 Comments »

It is really hard to type out this post right now and I am afraid if I take a nap my heart will quit working.  Heck my left arm feels really tingly and it is making it difficult to press any keys on the left of the keyboard.

If you are participating in the Bread Baker’s Apprentice you know exactly which brioche I did from the previous explanation.  For those who are not following the insanity that comes from a large group of people deciding to bake every bread in the Bread Baker’s Apprentice the reason is a bread called Rich’s Man Brioche.  This bread boosts a glorious 88 percent butter to 100 percent flour ratio or if you are mathematically challenged a whole flipping lot of artery clogging goodness packed in a small container.  The amount of butter is so outrageous that I almost called my insurance provider to make sure there is not a clause excluding me coverage because I overdosed on butter.  The thought of having to pay quadruple bypass surgery out of pocket makes my shiver.

The bread started innocently in that I put the butter on the counter overnight to reach room temperature (thanks Nicole at Pinch My Salt and Judy at No Fear Entertaining for this advice).  Went to bed, woke up at 6 a.m. (not by choice but my cat who weighs all five pounds was scared she was going to starve to death if I did not feed her then), assembled the dough, and let it relax in the fridge.  While the dough relaxed in the fridge I kept myself occupied with such joyful house chores as installing a fence around the perimeter of the garden to keep a pesky wabbit out, planted more pepper plants to replace the fallen pepper plants that said wabbit ate, and other yard work.

After a good six hours passed I formed the dough into two loaf pans and let them rest of the counter.  For once I did not find myself nervously pacing about, cursing, mumbling, or marking the height of the dough on the pan every fifteen minutes to prove that my baby was really growing.  Maybe the bread devil sensed my new fond confidence and decided I needed to be knocked down a couple pegs.  After three hours I checked my dough baby to find it filled out the bottom of the pan but not a heck of a lot of vertical growth.  Hmmm….well this is probably just dough puberty and eventually it will grow and become a pillar of beauty that all breads aspire to.  Couple more hours later I finally realized my dough was destined for a life of mediocrity; I grudgingly gave it an egg wash and shoved it in the oven.  Even though the brioche lacked a proper height it still tasted amazing.

On Sunday the  bread gods were definitely shining on me as I decided to experiment by turning the remaining 1/3 of the dough into hamburger buns.  The rich man’s brioche made the perfect hamburger bun with its buttery goodness and flaky texture.  If I was to ever make this brioche again hamburger buns would definitely be the driving reason. (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), All // 49 Comments »

I hate it when I cook something and there is nothing self-deprecating to write about.  I have been staring at my computer screen typing and deleting such wonderful thoughts as the apple is red or the green spaceman jumped bail.  Normally in these situations I turn to my wonderful friend Mr. Coffee but even he is letting me down in this dire time of need.  Although maybe in Mr. Coffee’s defense I should not have overdosed on him and blame him.  Grrr….what is a guy to do???

The next Bread Baker’s Apprentice challenge is one I am definitely looking forward to for the sole reason it allows me to incorporate a massive quantity of butter.  I have already put my cardiologist on standby and ordered my own personal defibrillator in case I happen to go down during the consumption or baking of this bread.  As an added precaution to my tweets and friends if I have not signed in or contacted you by Saturday afternoon be scared.

In an effort to prevent my body from revolt I decided that this week’s dinner was going to be simple and light.  For that I have to turn to my favorite pseudocereal (I wrote that sentence so I could use the word pseudocereal because it is such a cool word).  If you never have tried quinoa I want you to stop, grab your car keys right now, drive to the nearest grocery store, and buy a bag.  Do not worry I am becoming more patient the more I bake so I have time to wait.  For the rest of you I do not have to sell you the joy and joyness of this pseudocereal (I am in love with this word) and how versatile and wonderful of an ingredient it is to use.

This dish is one of those dishes where I started with a simple plan which was cut down on the massive amount of lemons I bought for making lemonade and use quinoa.  I them started thinking of all the great flavors such as olives, sun dried tomatoes, and ohhh….fresh herbs that play well with others and had to give them a chance to shine too.

For this recipe you will need:

• 1 cup quinoa
• 2 cups of stock or water (I used vegetable stock)
• Juice of 1/2 lemon
• Zest from that 1/2 lemon
• 1/4 cup minced fresh herbs
• 1/3 cup diced sun dried tomatoes in oil
• 1/3 cup diced olives
•  1 shallot diced
• 3 cloves of garlic diced
• Pinch of crushed red pepper
• Kosher salt and black pepper (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: Quick, Healthy, All // 22 Comments »

All this bloody baking is going to cause me to spiral quickly into a drunken haze of insanity.  The plan was a simple one in that before bedtime on Friday night I would have perfectly shaped bagels resting in the fridge overnight.  This would allow me to wake up on Saturday morning, boil some water, bake some bagels, and catch up on the DVR while enjoy a freshly made egg, cheese, and bacon bagel sandwich.  What really happened is another story….

Friday night get home from work, change into comfy clothes, start sponge, and let sponge rest for a couple hours.  I come back after two hours to a sponge that is not bubbling and frothing like the Bread Baker’s Apprentice promised me.  Instead I am staring at a sponge that has a single bubble and when I tap the bowl I hear the sponge chuckling at me.  I tell myself to be patient as I head out to occupy myself with more errands.  Two hours later I come back and I swear the bubbles in the sponge have formed a perfect finger flicking me off and the laughter has moved from a gentle chuckle all the way to a full blown har har har.  At this point I felt it was in my best interest after angrily scraped the sponge out of the mixing bowl into a trash bag to open a bottle of wine and regroup.

On Saturday was round two and I finally got a bubbling frothing sponge.  The only changes I made was I made sure the water was room temperature and I moved the sponge by my computer speakers so it could get a heavy dose of angry music in a desperate attempt to enrage my sponge into bubbling.

Having a perfect sponge I now set off to knead the dough.  On twitter everyone was talking about how hard the Kitchen Aid was struggling to knead the dough.  I like to think that the Kitchen Aid assembly robots knew that Fred (yes my Kitchen Aid is named Fred) was going to a hopeless wanna be baker and upgraded it with a higher end motor that by destiny would arrive on my front steps.  My dreams of this were quickly crushed when I had the Kitchen Aid cranked all the over to 10 and it was struggling to keep up.  So for the first time in my life I had to hand knead.

I have watched Italian grandmothers on television and in real life who can barely walk effortlessly knead the perfect dough.  After hand kneading for 15 minutes I swear these grandmothers are getting their prescriptions from the same doctor who Manny Ramirez goes to.  I am not meaning to brag but I play racquetball two times a week, softball two times a week, lift at least two times a week, and all around am extremely active.  I found myself gasping for air and sadly sore after 15 minutes of pushing and moving dough around.  Not only did I feel sore but also a feeling of sadness and humility on the inside.

After the kneading of the bread was complete the rest of the bagel making went smooth.  I like to think the bread devil got his laugh at the new guy and I fell for another one of his evil pranks.

I simply topped my bagels with poppy seeds, Parmesan cheese, and poppy seeds.  Figured I made it this far not going to get fancy and screw everything up with some funky topping that destroys everything.  They maybe ugly bagels but they are proof that beauty is on the inside because they turned out amazing.  Definitely a recipe I am looking forward to making again and again. (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), pork, All // 41 Comments »