Culinary Disasters

Another grueling battle in the kitchen of Jeff versus the Bread Baker’s Apprentice.  In this week’s round I had to go against Artos or one of his many variations.  I chose to fight his evil cousin the Christopsomos which has raisins, walnuts, and dried cherries mixed into it.  According to the book there is some fancy shaping of the christopsomos but I really wanted to use the banneton in hopes of getting those cool wicker basket marks (I am a griller at heart and anytime I have a chance to brand my final product I am all about it).

This was definitely not a decisive victory for me and I was scared when it went to the judges for a decision.  Even though the presentation was wrong/ugly and part of it was found stuck to the bottom of my spanking brand new baking stone the taste was amazing and thankfully I was awarded another victory.

If you are keeping score this I now have a perfect 2-0.  I am starting to get a little cocky about my record however, I am a little fearful because this weekend will be my toughest challenger in my young career, the bagel. (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: Bread Baking (BBA), Seafood, Salad, salmon, All // 38 Comments »

I hope that I am not the only one during the spring and summer who slows down on posting.  To me this time of year is meant to be enjoyed outside not spent inside trying to be creative or screwing around with Photoshop.

I really hit a creative wall today as I sit here sipping coffee staring outside at a perfect 70 degree sunny morning.  This also is bringing back bad memories of parents yelling at me to do my homework before I can outside and play.  Grr…..I do not like these repressed memories resurfacing so I am going to click publish and run outside with reckless abandonment.  Ok reckless abandonment is not true because I have to remove weeds, water the garden, and trim back a few plants.  However, I still feel rebellious.

If I could find any creativity I would have touched on these points:

• quinoa is extremely healthy
• quinoa is a great carrier of all flavors
• new farmer’s market in town is open and I am excited to check it out
• I have not posted any grilling recipes because I am still trying to dial in a couple experiments or what I have been doing is not blog worthy.  However, relax they are still getting a good workout and I hope to have another run of grilling posts next week. (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: Quick, All // 22 Comments »

I found morel mushrooms!!!  To clarify for those who have been following the ongoing saga, Jeff hunts for mushrooms in the woods, no I did not put on my hiking boots and get lost in the woods.  However, on Saturday when it was pouring rain and once again to wet to do garden work I headed over to the co-op.  Imagine my shock and surprise when the first thing I see are morel mushrooms.

I bought half of a pound of morel mushrooms and used them in three dishes.  The first dish I did when I got home is one of my favorite ways to eat them.  It is a simple morels pan fried in large amounts of butter.  As the morels are done the movement is tongs grab morel, tongs to mouth, and morel dropped in mouth completely disregarding patting them dry or even letting them cool in the slightest.  To date (knocking on wood) I have succeeding in not burning myself badly.  Sunday morning I chopped a couple of the smaller morels I picked up and added them to my morning scrambled eggs.

After a long Sunday of moving three yards of mulch around my house and moving a truck load of lumber for my brother I wanted something simple, quick, and light.  The weather also turned out to be perfect pasta weather when it dropped into the low 50s by dinner.

The inspiration from this dish comes from my buddy Mike over Mike’s Table who did a goat cream sauce with mushroom agnolotti that sounded simple and amazing (click here to see the recipe).

For this recipe you will need:

• morel mushrooms cleaned and cut in half
• 1 shallot finely diced
• 2 cloves of garlic finely diced
• 1/2 cup of white wine
• 1/2 cup of heavy cream
• 1 tablespoon fresh sage
• 1 tablespoon fresh oregano
• Leaves from a couple springs of thyme
• 1/2 cup of peas
• Pinch of crushed red pepper
• Kosher salt and black pepper
• All purpose flour
• 4 tablespoons of unsalted butter
• 1/4 cup Parmesan cheese
• Your favorite noodles cooked till ale dente and some of the cooking liquid reserved. (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: Quick, All // 36 Comments »

I am sure that when people think vegetarian cooking my blog is one of the last that comes to mind.  For all the meat centric dishes that are displayed on this blog there is a lot of vegetarian dishes that play second fiddle but never get any credit.  This needs to change because I have this fear that the vegetables in my garden will rise up and haunt me.  Even worse would be the precious tomatoes I have spent all spring and summer pampering with punk music, amazing soil, good fertilizer, and proper watering will commit suicide all over my siding.

I am a huge fan of wild mushrooms and enjoy hunting them (Elmer Fudd singing kill the rabbit just started running through my head) but my last couple of adventures in the woods have produced zero results.  However, thank you grocery store and an amazing selection of dried and fresh mushrooms.  This definitely helps relieve the frustration of coming up empty handed and fulfills my craving for earthy flavors.

The amazing part about using dried mushrooms is the liquid you have soaked the mushrooms to hydrate is permeated with amazing mushroom flavor (mushroom martini anyone).  If I do not use this liquid in the dish I will at least fill up a jar with it and freeze it for future endeavors.

To answer the next question no I did not make the bread.  Although I looked ahead and turned all giddy because I noticed baguettes are coming up soon in the Bread Baker Apprentice challenge.  Woohoo!!  Wait I just admitted to getting giddy over making bread.  Damn you evil bread devil and your promise of baked goods!!!!

For this dish you will need:

• 1 ounce of dried mushrooms hydrated in 1 cup of water (bring water to boil, kill heat, add mushrooms, cover, relax for 30 minutes, strain keeping the glorious liquid)
• Package of fresh mushrooms sliced (I used baby bellas and I believe the package size was 10 ounces)
• 1/2 cup white wine
• 4 cups of vegetable stock
• 1 cup of cream
• 2 leeks diced
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 2 teaspoons paprika
•  2 sprigs of rosemary and 4 springs of thyme tied together (really you do not have to tie them together it just makes it easier to fish out before you blend)
• 1 bay leaf
• 1/4 cup of flour
• 4 tablespoons of unsalted butter (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: soup, All // 30 Comments »

I am no longer a bread virgin and I would like to thank Nicole from Pinch My Salt for this glorious occasion.  Wait…that does not sound right so hmm…let me explain.  A couple weeks ago Nicole tweeted about wanting to bake all the formulas in Bread Baker’s Apprentice and wanted equally insane individuals to help her.  I still do not know if it was the booze or high hope that made me commit (sometimes what is the difference) to this massive undertaking. (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: chicken, All // 32 Comments »

You ever have a “what in the $%*@$ was I thinking” moment?  I am going through one right now and it is all thanks to Nicole from Pinch My Salt.  Last week on Twitter she asked if people wanted to join her in her quest to bake all the formulas in the Bread Baker’s Apprentice (click here to read more).  I do not know if it was blind ambition or the booze that made me enthusiastically agree to her plan and offer to join in.

I bought the Bread Baker’s Apprentice well over a year ago and the only action the book has seen was a cat deciding to knock over a glass of water all over it.  Until being soaked the book sat open at the pizza dough recipe for a couple of weeks mocking me with a sinister no fing way you can do this so do not even try smirk.  Hell even the front cover mocks me with the girl holding the beautifully baked loaf of bread with a no way this will be yours smirk on her face.

My other oh crap moment is reading the e-mails with people introducing themselves and realizing I may be the only baking virgin in the group.  Great just flipping great.  Nothing against baking but if I make a whole batch of cookies you better believe I am eating the whole batch of cookies.  Stupid living alone and lack of self-control.  Thanks to this challenge I am now joining a racquetball league to offset the large quantity of baked goods I will be consuming.

However, a deal is a deal and my fellow readers will be blessed with a colorful weekly blog post chronicling my trip down the rabbit hole of insanity.  My close friends who read my blog if you have not heard from me in over a week, please call the paramedics and do not come into the house.  I do not want you to see me covered in flour, sobbing uncontrollably, drunk, and between sobs yelling at a blob of flour screaming why will you not rise.  It is not that I do not think you can handle the sight but I do not think I could ever look you in the eyes knowing you saw me at my weakest moment.  If you could do me another huge favor and while I am institutionalized once a week pick me up a gyro platter with extra tzatziki and chicken souvlaki from Friends (Greek restaurant on Lima).  The favor would be greatly appreciated and it will drastically help me regain my sanity return to a comfortable level of insanity.

Besides the cases of whiskey, straight jacket, and spare mattresses to pad my middle bedroom is there any must have items for bread making?  I already own a digital scale, KitchenAid stand mixer, scraper, thermometers, and some bowls.

Let us return the subject matter to grilling before I have another panic attack…

Summer grilling to me is all about burgers, bratwurst, and other assorted sausage family members that can be grilled and shoved in a bun for easy consumption.  One of my favorite ways to grill brats are to first cook them in a pan of beer and sauerkraut and then quickly grill them over a hot grate so they can get some wonderful grill color and smoke.  When I have a cookout there is a good chance that in the corner of the grill there is a foil pan full of this goodness ready to accept any sausages that want a dip in the jacuzzi of love.

For this recipe you will need:

• Bratwurst (I am using a jalapeno bratwurst that my favorite butcher makes)
• 1 onion thinly sliced
• 1 green pepper thinly sliced
• 2 cloves of garlic finely diced
• 1 bottle of good beer
• 1 28 ounce jar of sauerkraut
• 1 teaspoon hot Hungarian paprika
• 1/2 teaspoon caraway seeds
• 2 tablespoons stone ground mustard
• 1 bay leaf
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• Kosher salt and black pepper
• 2 tablespoons unsalted butter (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: pork, All // 27 Comments »

Next to a grill my second preferred cooking vessel has to be the smoker.  There is something magical about a smoker slowly chugging away with wispy streams of smoke coming out of the smokestack and filling up the neighborhood with the wonderful smells of hickory, fruit wood, and slowly cooking meat.  I have also noticed the only time my neighbors ever talk to me is when the smoker is chugging away in the driveway.

Today we are going to talk all about BBQ ribs.  There are two major cuts of ribs, spare and baby back.

Spare ribs are cut from the belly and breast bone area and are usually 11-13 bones in length.  They also contain the skirt and rib tips.  Spare ribs are meatier and fattier than baby back ribs.

Baby back ribs (for some reason the annoying Chilis’ baby back ribs song always pops in my head when I hear this even though right now I have loud annoying music blasting in my ears) are cut from the top of the rib cage between the spine and the spare rib and below the loin muscle.  The ribs are smaller and tender than spare ribs.

If you take a slab of spare ribs and trim off the breast bone and skirt you will have St. Louis style spare ribs.  Make sure to save the scraps that are trimmed off because they work great in baked beans or tossed with a some rub and placed on the smoker for a couple hours as a cook’s snack.

Which rib cut, spare or baby back, makes a better rib for smoking?  This is a matter of preference.  I love the meatiness and fattiness of a good slab of St. Louis style spare ribs.  If you prefer baby back ribs they will cook quicker than a slab of spare ribs so adjust for that.

It would not be a ribs post without the dreaded membrane discussion which is probably one of the most debated subjects in BBQ history only closely followed by brisket fat cap up or down.  If you do not know the membrane is on the bone side of the ribs and a thin clear layer.  Some people swear by removing it and others swear it causes no harm being there.  Those for removal claim it allows for more smoke penetration and those against removal claim it is harmless.

If I have time I will remove it.  Removing the membrane is easy and just take a pair of pliers and slowly pull it up.  The membrane can be slippery and has caused me to yell a few choice words at a slab before it finally came off.

I like to use a combination of hickory and apple wood for smoking pork.  Whatever wood you use always remember wispy barely visible smoke is perfect.  If you have nuclear reactor style you could impart a very bitter taste to the meat because the smoke is not getting out of the chamber fast enough.

One final point and that is dry rub only or BBQ sauce.  I prefer dry rub ribs with the BBQ sauce on the side and a little rub tossed on them at service.  This way guests can add some BBQ sauce if they would like.  Only apply sauce to the ribs about 30 minutes before you pull the ribs off the smoker so the sugars in the sauce do not burn.

For this recipe you will need:

• 1/4 cup brown sugar
• 1/4 cup papriaka (I used a Hungarian)
• 1 teaspoon kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon black pepper
• 1 tablespoon pure ground chili (I used a mixture of ancho, guajillo, and chipotle peppers).
• 2 teaspoon garlic powder
• 2 teaspoon onion powder
• 1 teaspoon cumin
• 1 teaspoon coriander
• 1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
• Cayenne pepper to taste (mix everything first and then add in the cayenne if needed)
• Yellow mustard (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: BBQ, pork, All // 38 Comments »

My buddy Mike over at Mike’s Table did a teriyaki chicken (click here to read the recipe) and I had been dying to do something similar.  Thankfully the opportunity arose in chicken wings.

Most people when they think chicken wings instantly think deep fried.  Not that I am health conscious but deep fried wings have never held a candle to grilled wings (I can already see some typing out nasty comments calling me an idiot).  There is just something magical about wings that have been hit with charcoal and have grill marks over them.  The other advantages to grilling wings is at the end I do not have to drain and dispose of oil or have that fried smell in the house that brings back bad flashbacks of my 6 month stint in a Burger King when I was 16 (by the way is anyone else freaked out by their commercials now?).

I also dare anyone think of a better evening than staring at a grill with a beer in one hand in a zen like state of relaxation?  Especially if you have friends who can stand around the grill and stoke your ego as you perfectly flip the burger or give that steak those killer diamond grill marks.  Speaking of killer diamond grill marks check out Peter over at Kaloagas.ca’s steak (click here to see the pictures and his amazing recipes).

On one final note a friend sent me another horrible joke that has to be shared.

Who  made a pig out of a pound of bacon and a canned ham?

Dr. Frankenswine

For this recipe you will need:

• 1 pound chicken wings
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1/4 cup mirin
• 2 tablespoons brown sugar
• 1 thumb size piece of ginger finely diced
• 1-2 hot peppers diced (I used finger hot peppers but a jalapeno would work too)
• 1 shallot finely diced
• 2 cloves of garlic finely diced
• dash of toasted sesame seed oil
• pinch of coriander
• pinch of black pepper (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: chicken, All // 21 Comments »

Before I start this post I must say a quick prayer to the coffee gods.  I am running on lack of sleep and my level of insanity is not all there.  This post could have the world’s worst introduction so bear with me.  I will try to bring it together near the end or at least go down in a brilliant display of flames.

How many out there in blogville are going to stop eating pork because of swine flu fears?  It has not slowed me down and it reminded me I need to put my order in for my fall hog pick up from my favorite farmer.

Holy crap this is horrible and reminds me of a joke.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?  Justice fingers

I really do not think I am going to save this introduction.  I know a normal person would just delete this draft, walk away, regroup, and come back.  Anyone who knows me will tell you I lack that ability and instead prefer constantly running into the brick wall until the brick wall gives in or I fall over in pain.

One last ditch attempt…

In Cuban cooking a mojo sauce is any sauce made with citrus juice, garlic, and oil.  Not a whole heck of a lot of ingredients but does everyone really need a 20 page ingredient list to make a good dish?  I believe the key to any good dish is using the best possible ingredients and combining them in a proper way.

The amazing thing about a mojo marinade is that the citrus plays perfectly with the pork and imparts a light flavor throughout the meat.  Bonus points are awarded for using a charcoal grill because then the meat not only has that great citrus flavor but a great smokey flavor too.

That is honestly the best I think I can do today.  I give up and the bloody wall wins again.

If you are still reading this train wreck I commend you and will leave you with another bad joke for your time.

What happens when two snails fight?  They slug it out.

For this marinade you will need:

• 1/2 cup of orange juice
• 1/4 cup of lime juice
• 1 teaspoon cumin
• 1/4 cup of fresh cilantro
• 4 cloves of garlic
• Pinch of dried oregano
• Pinch of salt and pepper
• 2 tablespoons of oil (Click here to read the rest…)

  Tags: pork, All // 41 Comments »

I was happy when I got out of work and the sun was shining.  Only thing I could think of was getting home and firing up the charcoal grill for grilled chicken.  However, my dreams were soon crushed when I got home and the sun decided time to go away.  Instead of the sun I was faced with this: (Click here to read the rest…)

Tags: chicken, All // 26 Comments »